Caminando por Chile

It’s the first significant milestone of our existence and the last fragment of independence we lose. It’s been done since the beginning of mankind and can be done by anyone, regardless of gender, race, ethnicity, socioeconomic background, and education. It overcomes culture, language, and geographical location in the world. Other than the infantile, the elderly, and a fraction of the disabled, every person depends on it to survive as an independent and happy individual. However, the Chileans can’t seem to grasp it. Have you guessed it yet?

I’m talking about walking.

I must preface this blog by saying I am extremely biased when it comes to this topic. I am a woman on a mission. Thanks to my seven years in the congested and outrageous halls of Robinson Middle School and Topeka High School, I walk 100 miles per hour and I’m able to swerve around less-preoccupied walkers like Mohammad Ali. I walk with a purpose and like I really have some place to be, despite having a fixed time to get there or not. I’m constantly walking ahead of family, friends, and boyfriends (hand-holding usually doesn’t work out unless you’re as crazy as me) and wondering why others enjoy taking their time getting places. In regard to this subject, choosing to spend five months of my life in Chile was a terrible idea.

Don’t get me wrong – I love Chile. I love its people, I love its culture, I love its millions of modismos (idioms) and unhealthy love of mayonnaise. But every time I’m on my way to class I have a mini infarto (heart attack). The people of Chile walk leisurely, clumsily, and as if no one else in the world exists. Sometimes I even think every Chilean in the world has gotten together at a National Walking Conference and decided to plot against me, with their purpose to all take 10 extra steps to walk and stop in front of me when I’m in a hurry. To best explain my frustrations in this country, I’ve grouped Chileans into four walking categories: The Stubborn Walker, The Selfish Walker, The Drifting Walker, and The Indecisive Walker. I must add that all of them would lose in a race against molasses.

The Stubborn Walker is my least favorite. Their natural habitat is in the oncoming traffic on the sidewalk, and they feed off my body heat and hidden anger when they drive me insane. Their main characteristic is walking in the same path as you, especially in a crowded sidewalk, and choose not to move an inch when it gets time for someone to get out of the way. Even if you make an effort to move a little or show that you’re not budging, the Stubborn Walker will act like you’re going to disappear somehow and probably push you off the sidewalk into the street or a bush. MOVE! At least make an effort to show you’re not a complete schmuck! I will never understand why people make so much of an effort to make absolutely no effort. I feel like it’s carved into our brains at birth to get out of the way if something’s coming at you!

I like to imagine The Selfish Walker as a morbidly obese person to not make me hate them as much. They choose to walk in the very center of the sidewalk, not any more to one side or the other, making it impossible for anyone to pass (ya know, those of us who have places to be). The Selfish Walker also acts as a glacier as it doesn’t care about anything or anyone around it and just EXISTS there. Attempting to walk around one side of the Selfish Walker usually results in squeezing through a tiny space and brushing up against them somehow, with a typical reaction of a dirty sneer or comment. It’s not my fault you have no knowledge of anyone around you – move!

The Drifting Walker exists in two kinds: selfish and drifting or stationary. The selfish and drifting stems from starting out as a Selfish Walker, then all of the sudden deciding to veer off a bit to the right as SOON as you decide to pass them to the right. And when you try to veer left to avoid them, he or she decides they want to act drunk and stumble to the left. Existing in the same habitat as The Drifting Walker takes a lot of patience and self-control to not wrap your hands around their throat and push them into oncoming traffic (I’m kidding! Not really). The stationary drifter simply stands off to the side, talking on their phone, waiting for a bus, then as soon as you're about to pass them, chooses to walk right in front of you. SERIOUSLY?! I'm convinced this National Walking Conference exists. 

 The Indecisive Walker is the most interesting and confusing of the entire bunch. First in line for the metro or pushing you out of the way so they can be two inches closer to the crosswalk, you initially get the impression that they're in a huge hurry. When they decide to get off or start walking, however, they budge in front of you and immediately slow down to 5 times the normal walking speed. Are you in a hurry or not?! Why'd you literally push me behind you to have no where to be any time soon?

I'm convinced I need an Ativan prescription or I should change my concentration and open up a walking rehab facility in multiple major cities around the country. Until I figure out my best way to deal with the practically immobile Chilean population, I have one month left of tripping, pushing, side-stepping, and inner rage. 

MOVE!!!!!